June

Writing this makes it real

Is it to honour you and keep you eternally here

Or is it rude

Because words will never do justice

Not to you

Not to anyone who knew you

Maybe it is for me

To finaly accept what is real

I still don't

Even your name makes me uncomfortable

Saying it out loud will only mean you existed

You did 

But now it is just in my fevered dreams

Every night 

Making me scared to fall asleep

Because i know i will not want to wake up, wanting to give you one last kiss

To be there for the last goodbye 

Because no matter how frightening

I will never give up on you 

But i did 

When you needed me the most

When i needed you the most

I was not there

I was too late

And it's not hate which darkens the heart

It's regret which leaves one in despair until the end 

Desperate to correct it even when i have no control

Grasping at lose ends, never wanting to open my eyes

But i have to

Because not everyone believes in magic

I do

In you

A magic far beyond anyone's understanding

A love so precious it needs to be kept hidden

Death is never delayed, they say

But noone told me it will be the last hug

That it will be last time you will ever comfort me 

It took me the longest to write this

A year

And when i finaly got to it

Between tears and long pauses and a train ride

I knew there was no closure

Not for these words, not for me

I will always carry the pain of having to imagine what your last breath sounded like 

I will always carry the pain of not knowing your agony in those moments

And how hard you fought to stay with the people who loved you

I can only imagine

And try to remember my dreams

The only place where I can save you now

The only way for me to never let go of this regret 

Because it is the only reality I can hold onto

June will always be a reminder that without you, I am nothing. 

It will always be a reminder that I have lost my life forever. 

*Painting by Rob Gonsalves

Rings...

Things are not right

And as i cry away at night

I think of you

I pick up the phone and press the buttons

I need you

As the double rings start

My thoughts drift away

I think of things which have upset me

The ringing becomes a rhythm for my thoughts 

I think about myself

My family, friends

My future

And as i think, the ringing stops

I dial again

The rings become a background again

I think of you

I think of things i need to change

I think of cigarettes and smoke rings

And my thoughts come back to the dial rings 

As i realise that the tears have stopped

I think again

Do i really need to do this

I am strong

At least i need to show that i am strong

As the ringing continues for the seventh time

I cut the call

I am fine

I don't need you

I am okay now

And when you call back tomorrow

I will say i just wanted to say hi.


*Artwork by Ken-Wong

Loss

When you break up with a person, you don't lose just one person.
You lose a lot.
You lose a lot of things, a lot of people.
They take away the moments you spent with them.
They take away that time you put in to build that kind of life.
They take away friends -their friends whom you had started liking and some who had become good friends.
They take away those songs 
you used to listen when you were together.
Those lanes where you used to walk.
Those movies you watched with them. 
And the ones which you didn't but were going to.
They take away the person you had become when you were with them. 
Your identity you had associated yourself with. 
You were theirs for so long- being someone else's was a part of your identity.
They take away those small things you had saved
Now you have no use of the ticket from your first movie 
Or the gift wrappers you managed to save.
They take away those smiles you smiled when someone teased you with their name.
They take away those Facebook tags and photos 
And status updates which are now meaningless.
They take away those tears, because you will never cry for the same things again 
Not for another person.
And with all this they take themselves away
Making sure that you hate some of the things you loved, including them.

Wake up and smell the tea!

A place that sleeps early but unfortunately is not amongst the early to rise… Darjeeling is a town dotted with emerald tea gardens and snow covered mountains that are sure to knock you cold!

Another trip, another day, another town… we set out from Delhi to New Jalapiguri (In siliguri) to reach this hill town in the state of West Bengal. It was freezing cold when we reached there in the month of January - most people prefer going there after monsoons when the view is clear and it is not as cold as ice. Nonetheless, surviving Delhi winters for long, we thought it will not be a tough task for us; hence we set out on a chilling adventure.

Fondly known as ‘the Queen of hills’, Darjeeling was developed in the mid 19th century, when the British set up a sanatorium and a military depot here. Before this, Darjeeling was the ancient Gorkha capital but later the Maharaja of Sikkim gifted Darjeeling to the British.

It was a week long trip, what with over 60 hours in the train to and fro; yes it’s a long journey from the capital. Honestly, Darjeeling is a place to explore in not more than a day. With its tea gardens, the famous toy train, St. Andrews Church, Peace Pagoda and snow leopards in the zoo, there is not much in the town itself. It is the neighbouring places that one should look forward to exploring.

A Head Start

We left in our, already late by eight hours, train at around 7:30 in the morning and reached New Jalapiguri station at around 2 in the afternoon the next day. Pheww.

Taking a reserved cab from the station (Rs 1200 for the four of us), we reached Darjeeling in another four hours – stopping at midways and eating the local delicacy, momos, along with tea was a welcome break. It was 7 in the evening now and we were informed that shops and restaurants and even the pubs in the town start putting their shutters down at about 8:30pm. We rushed to our hotel, freshened up and went out for a quick dinner at Glenary’s. You should definitely not miss out on food and drinks when in this part of the country.

The Local Way

Beakfast @Keventer's

Indeed without breakfast at Keventer’s, Darjeeling is incomplete. A sumptuous meal of chicken sausages and meatballs along with Darjeeling tea got us off to a flying start. Roaming around the town and taking in the beautiful vista of the Himalayas was on our list next. Exploring the localities and the zoo with its red panda and snow leopards and shopping for us gals, we called it a day and headed to Joey’s Pub for some drinks.

Rise and Shine

Tiger hill was on our agenda and we were up and about at 4 in the morning (night?)

Taking a cab to this beautiful hill, 11 kms from Darjeeling, we were mesmerised by the much talked about sunrise and the panoramic view of the twin peaks of Kangchenjunga and the third peak of Mount Everest. Painted in gold by the sunrays, the view was… well… I don’t know how to put it in words. You need to be there to feel the magic of it.

Sunrise...as seen from Tiger Hill

On our way to Mirik

Our next journey was towards Mirik, nestled in the hills, two hours drive from the town. When I say journey, I am actually putting emphasis on THE JOURNEY. The drive to the place was the best part. The serene hills, high trees on both sides of the road and the fog… oh the fog… it was one of the most breathtaking views I have ever witnessed. Stopping for a tea break in the middle of the hills (you can even opt for hard drinks… yes they sell alcohol on the road side, though I am not sure if it’s legal... check on it) and some maggie, we took in the view of the hills surrounded by fog and trees.

We reached Mirik and sat by the Sumendu lake for hours, had some momos (again!) and tea (you can’t miss out on the tea). 

The Tea Gardens

Next, we looked around some tea estates and gardens and then headed to Pashupati Market on the Indo-Nepal border. Technically we had crossed the border and were in another country now, so we were obviously excited (duh). This place also sleeps early, around 6:30 pm, a little too early for our liking. We shopped a little but as we were late we could not splurge enough. Reach there early if you want some cheap yet valuable shopping done.

Waterfalls, Streams and Cheap Alcohol

Moving a little higher in the Himalayas, our next stop was Gangtok in Sikkim about four hours drive from Darjeeling and we started early for this day trip. It is a popular Buddhist pilgrimage site with its monasteries and centres for Tibetology and has the most picturesque surroundings. Thukpa, Gyathuk, momos and cheap drinks were the main attractions for us here. The Teesta River and waterfalls are great for sightseeing along with the Buddhist monasteries. Spend a full day here if you really want your trip to count.

Hop On!

We saved the best for the last... the Toy Train!

The journey from Darjeeling station to Ghum station was something I will remember forever. You absolutely can't overlook the scenic beauty of the place... but to savour it from hill to hill and tree to tree is another thing. And the toy train is the best way to get on board. The Darjeeling toy train, officially known as the Darjeeling Himalayan Railway, took us through the lower reaches of the Eastern Himalayas to the rolling hills and lush green tea plantations of Darjeeling. After enjoying one hour of the joyous ride, we took a cab from Ghum station which transported us back to New Jalpaguri station and we boarded our train back to Delhi.

Toy Train

What with the famous Darjelling tea, the not so expensive winter garbs from Nepal and the oh so good and oh so cheap alcohol from Gangtok, we splurged a lot in this trip and the ride was absolutely worth it!

THE DRIVE...

For all those who don't know me, here is a story. And for those who know me and don’t know about this, well, here is an incident from my life that was just too hard to share in person. So, read on...

It all started with another road trip…

All happy and gay, laughing and partying. We partied too hard some might say. But it was normal. The happiness was normal. The usual feeling of joy after hanging out with friends, partying with them, and having a sense of freedom consumed us.

Celebrating a surprise birthday party for two of our closest friends on January 18, 2013 was as exciting as anything. Some of us felt that 2013 started on a bad note. I myself felt that the year was ruined because of that one night.

It was the usual hullaballoo that day. A road trip, dancing, eating, singing, laughing and having fun conclusive with a long drive in the shadows of the night that hung over all of us. That night was the biggest mistake the seven of us made.

Drifting with the flow, we zoomed our way to ecstasy. What was to follow, we had never even imagined in our wildest dreams. Or maybe we did. Maybe we saw the signs and ignored. We all had a sixth sense, an intuition. We took no notice of it because we wanted to have fun no matter what.

Turning our backs to hints, which will seem petty now, - from playing a car crash game with toy cars to making more than 10 U turns that night, besides the powerful instincts we all had - we sped the car into the foreboding night.

It was around 12:50 am that it happened. The memory doesn’t seem to go away. It haunts me every single time I am on the road.

The worst part is that I can’t discuss it with anyone. It is between the seven of us. We don’t want anyone to carry our burden. Or perhaps we are scared that nobody will understand. Worst of all, nobody will trust us ever again.

It had been some time that we were driving and listening to loud music and joking around. Some of us were starting to feel sleepy and wanted to return. But some part of us wanted to go on. The other part shouted at us, wanting us to head home. But we snubbed that other part which wanted to save us. There was a feeling of such malevolence that I feared for our lives.

It was a place unknown to most of us. The roads and routes were new. Yet we sped the car, blasted the music at full volume and suddenly darkness silhouetted in front of us. All I remember is that one moment we were singing a Bollywood song ‘tu mera hero’ on top of our voices and the other moment I could hear shrieks so painful, so frightening that whenever I think of them, it sends a chill down my spine.

A blind turn and a divider, around 2 ft high, suddenly appeared, and it brought an end to the fun. The speed of the car didn’t let it stop at the divider; it made the car fly and land with force. A lamppost, the best thing that happened to us that night, managed to halt the car. The car had crashed into the lamppost not headfirst but sideways. It was a miracle.

As soon as I realised I was alive, I was certain that one of us must not be. But blessed as we were, every one of us was breathing.

The screaming turned into one of us commanding everyone to get out of the car. The car hissed as smoke came out its front. The noise of leaking petrol could be heard. One by one we all capered out of the car.

We then checked each other and saw that one of our friends was bleeding profusely. There was blood all over her face. It scared the hell out of us. Another one was holding her leg and lying on the road. I was holding my hurt hand and running to others to check them. Miraculously everyone was alive and all our body parts were intact.

There were minor injuries physically. Mentally, we were and still are shaken.

Jivan Jyoti, an ashram we had crashed in front of, was a saviour for our poor souls. They took us in, medicated us and gave us all the help we needed. Looking at the car’s condition, we were all thinking how on earth we were still alive and not lying in the hospital.

There was some power that day that saved us. There was someone who wanted to save us from the start but we ignored it, but it saved us anyway.

A marvel or just in the mind’s eye, it was an experience that will be etched in our minds forever.

It changed me, it has scared me, and it has startled me. I cannot share it with anyone without breaking down. I jumped at every noise I heard initially. I fear darkness even more now. And it will be a long time before I can go for road trips and long drives again.

We know that a miracle saved us, even the one driving thinks so. He saved our lives but he will be forever guilty like each one of us. One mistake and I shiver to think what could have happened.

Trembling from head to toe, hugging each other and crying our eyes out, I am terrorised at recalling all of it.

Everything feels emotional and I feel raw and exposed. Anything can happen to anyone of us at any moment. What is the point in doing all the things we do? I have been given a second life but for what, to do what, I have no idea. Because I fear that this second chance will be taken away from me any moment.

An Ode..!

Childish deeds

Laughing carelessly

Unaffected by miseries, 
Happy times

You were beside me through it all

Being naïve, enjoying the youth

You helped me imagine perfection

A key to my freedom

Holding my hand

Nudging me to taste success

Giving me the confidence 
Letting me know that my dreams are not fantasies

That there was a world beyond this

Believing in purity

And friendship

You led me to the reality

Only to open my eyes

Your strictness couldn't dishearten me

As long as you were genuine

Dependable on you

Always as a friend

All along never realizing that there was more

You expressed your feelings like a song

But I just enjoyed the music, ignoring the lyrics

Gullible, innocent or maybe just trusting

Finally getting hit by another reality

Falling for the real thing

Turning to you to share the joy

Only to realise that you no longer held my hand

as it was the lyrics of some other song that I heard,

You left me to face it all alone

For the better or for worse I didn't know.

An ode to you now,

For letting me see the truth

And not the idealism

Disappearing, perhaps, for my own good.

Quoting myself... :)

You always expressed your feelings like a song....
I always enjoyed the music...
and kept ignoring the lyrics...!